Personal Post

My angel - Robert

So true

Need to do this more!

Hey Dolls
As I sit here writing the post I know it's going to be very personal. I have been going through a lot of emotions lately. Some days I'm up and others I'm crashing to the ground at 150km per second. In the past 5 years my life has changed so much, I've changed so much and it feels like it is all catching up with me in this present moment.

What I'm going to post right now, is not something I have every openly spoken about. I know there are a lot of women in my same position, but somehow I feel like I am alone. As you guys have probably seen in many of my personal post, I have a son. His name is Robert and he is the light and love of my life. He is 3 and a half years old. And I am a single mom. Not by choice but by circumstance.

I was in a relationship with a guy that I thought loved me. We were together for 4 years. I moved down to the Eastern Cape to be with him and left my whole life behind. I never planned to get pregnant. Not that I didn't want children but because I felt like we weren't in the perfect place in our relationship. Sitting here now, thinking back, I should have seen the signs. He was a mommy's boy and could do nothing for himself. Mommy washed his clothes, made him food. But being so young and naïve and in love, maybe I just didn't want to see the signs.

I fell pregnant when I least expected it. Our relationship was at its lowest. We were only seeing each other every 2 weeks. I was still on my birth control, so till this day I still don't really understand how I got pregnant. I found out on the Monday morning that I was pregnant, when my period still hadn't come. I took the whole week to tell him and when I eventually got up the courage (I was really scared to tell him. We weren't communicating like a couple does) his reaction took me totally by surprise. He didn't even need time to think about it, he just looked me straight in the eye and told me he wasn't ready for a baby and that if I wanted him in my life, I needed to have an abortion. My heart shattered into a million piece. I know I wasn't ready for a baby, but to have an abortion was the last thing on my mind. He left, and didn't say anything else to me.

My dad was living about 180kms away from me and I called him immediately. My dad is my rock through everything that has ever happened in my life. He told me he would be there to fetch me as soon as he finished work. I had never cried so much in my life. I was all alone in a small town and I was so vulnerable. As soon as my dad arrived at 12 o'clock that night, I had vowed that I would never shed another tear again until after my baby was born. To cut a long story short, I found out 3 months into my pregnancy that he had met another girl and that they were really serious. Again it felt like my heart, that I had just managed to kinda piece together, was being shattered again. But I still didn't cry. I didn't want my unborn baby to feel my pain.

I gave birth to my beautiful baby boy in Jeffery's bay on the 3 of May 2013. I was 23. As I lay in the hospital bed, with my little boy nursing on my chest, I shed my first tears. 9 months of emotions built up inside of me, tears running down my face. My mom had come down from Johannesburg for the birth of the baby, and when she came in for visitation, I was shaking so badly that she took my little angel and placed him in his crib. She then gave me the biggest hug I have ever had. She told me that I had to be strong for my baby. After a good cuddle, I once again put my emotions away.

I had my son on the Monday and was out of the hospital on the Wednesday (I had an elective c section as I lived 180kms from the nearest hospital and my placenta was laying low), on the Friday afternoon while I was relaxing at the lodge my mom was staying for the week, I was posting of Facebook about my little angel. I happened to land on his new girlfriend's page. (Ok maybe it wasn't by accident) What I saw on the page, broke not only my heart but my soul too. His new girlfriend was pregnant and they were planning on getting married.

That had to be the lowest time in my life. The lodge,where my mom was staying, was on the beach, when I found out about the news, I asked my mom to look after my son for a little while. I needed to clear my head. I walked out on to the beach and screamed at the top of my lunges (luckily there was no one on the beach). Sinking slowly on the ground (my wound was still really sore) I cried my heart out. I think I must have stayed there for a long time. My step dad, came and gave me a big hug. He is the type not to say anything. I went back to my son and to this day I have never cried about it again. I get sad sometimes but for the sake of my son I don't cry.

To this day, I have not heard anything from my son's father. He hasn't contributed anything to his son. Not a cent. I did go to the courts to apply for maintenance but they said that he would then have the right to see my son every school holiday or whatever was arranged between us. And he didn't want my son, so why would I send my child there to a person who didn't want them. His little girl is now 2 and he seems to love her so much…

My son is at that age where he is asking "where is my daddy"? At the school they are learning about parents and so forth and I am honest, I don't know what to tell him. My mom often cries with me when I tell her about it, and we both just can't believe that a man would give up his own flesh and blood like that. The people in the little town have speculated that it is not my ex's son but if you see my son and his father together, there is no denying it is his son. I'm not the type of girl to jump from one guy to the next, and because of that I haven't been with anyone since I got pregnant. If I'm honest with myself I will admit that I don't trust any man. I'm scared of letting myself get to close to anyone, scared of getting hurt again. I also don't want my son to get attached to anyone who doesn't plan on loving him forever.

All these emotions have been wreaking havoc on my soul. I seem to be thinking about it so much lately. I have even started crying myself to sleep. It's hard for me, waking up every day, looking at my son, seeing his father in him. Some of his mannerisms are exactly like his fathers. I don't really have anyone to talk to, as my parents are partial to taking my side, or in my father's case he just doesn't want to talk about it.

I wish every day I had someone to talk to, someone who understands where I'm coming from… So it feels good letting this out, telling people what is really in my soul.

Have a good night ladies.

Love Shalane
xoxo